by Ellen A. Kaye
SCOTTSDALE, AZ: Last week, etiquette expert Ellen A. Kaye received a call from a senior executive at a Fortune 500 company who was stunned by the lack of manners displayed when he took a junior associate to dinner at a high-end restaurant. Here’s the scenario.
The executive had decided to give the associate a big promotion and he wanted to share the news in a setting that was fitting for the occasion. It was to be an evening of celebration full of toasts, smiles and congratulations back and forth. This was the big break that every employee dreams of.
Unfortunately, the dining experience was a complete disaster in many more important ways than the associate ever knew. His manners were so bad that by the time the entrees arrived, the executive realized he couldn’t possibly put this person in a position of increased visibility. He chewed with his mouth open, was very messy, was repeatedly rude to the servers and was spectacularly unaware of how to behave properly in a restaurant. None of this was the kind of behavior the executive wanted displayed in front of the company’s customers. The meal was ended abruptly by the senior exec without one word mentioned about a promotion. What should have been a great night in the associate’s career turned out to be one of the worst. And, to add insult to injury, it was his own fault. This associate had unknowingly and unwittingly cut himself off at the knees, capping his own career at this Fortune 500 company.
Smart companies, like this senior executive, know that since the marketplace is so competitive these days, good manners and appropriate socialization skills are not just a competitive edge – they are a mandatory part of doing business. “The way you handle yourself at a meal is a snapshot of how you handle yourself in business,” observes Ellen A. Kaye, a well-known leadership image and etiquette consultant and author of the best-selling business book, Maximize Your Presentation Skills (Crown, 2002). Your place setting, she explains, is the equivalent of your desk. It reflects your level of professionalism, neatness and attention to detail. By the same token, the manner in which you deal with the restaurant staff reflects the manner in which you work with your clients, prospects and colleagues.
And there’s more: Kaye asserts that within 30 minutes she can assess the professionalism and proficiency of dining partners in about two dozen different professional areas, including their confidence level, communication skills, decision-making abilities, organizational and leadership skills, patience and how they will maneuver in difficult, embarrassing or crisis situations.
It’s no wonder, then, that the business dinner is such a crucial component of doing business and that anything less than impeccable, polished manners simply won’t cut it. How do your own manners stack up? Check Kaye’s list below of “Ten Ways to Wow Your Business Dinner Companions with Your Impeccable Manners” to decide whether you would have received that promotion – or whether, like the associate, you’d have gone home not just empty-handed but having alienated your boss and ruined any future chances for promotion.
1. Avoid tapping your foot. Although it seems very basic, your straight posture and composed presentation are very important. Always sit tall in your chair with feet flat on the floor or crossed at the ankles. Keep your napkin lying flat in your lap. Use it often to wipe your mouth and chin.
2. Pace your eating. Kaye provides this helpful rule for her clients; You are finished eating when the senior person at the table is finished eating. Match the pace of your eating to that of your host so you finish at roughly the same time. You must not look like a slowpoke or a glutton who gobbled up his food before everyone else. If you’re talking, pushing a deal and not eating, Kaye says you need to either make a concerted effort to keep up with everyone else, or plan to be “finished” whenever your clients are done – regardless of whether you are actually full.
3. Thanks, I’ll pass. When passing anything at the table, always pass it counterclockwise. This assures order and prevents a jam-up and general pandemonium. When passing salt and pepper, always pass them together, as if they were a single entity, even if the person asked only for the salt. When passing a gravy or sauce boat, hold the bottom and turn the handle toward your guest so he can grab it without an awkward mess.
4. Silver Where? The number of pieces of silverware corresponds directly with the number of courses in the meal. Starting from the outside in, on your left you should expect to see a salad fork outside of the dinner fork. On the right of your place setting, you should find your butter knife outside of your dinner knife. Use the small butter knife to take and spread the butter on your single piece of bread. Often the dessert fork or spoon are placed horizontally above your entrée plate, or brought when dessert is served. Once you pick up a utensil, it should not touch the table again. And you should never wave a utensil in the air. I once went to dinner with a sales person who announced that he “had manners to the manor born” as he jabbed the air with his fork for emphasis.
5. Taste, then season. Did you realize it is an insult to your host and your chef if you salt your food before tasting it? Remember – the chef’s job is to season each dish perfectly. So taste your food and only add seasoning to it if you don’t think you can eat it as is.
6. The forgotten fork. You asked your server to bring you a fork and it never comes. What do you do? “At some point, simply use another utensil,” says Kaye. “Focus on the business at hand. Fixating on the missing item will just make everyone agitated and distracted. Moreover, it demonstrates you are inflexible and unable to improvise or move ahead – not the kind of traits you want to demonstrate to your boss or a prospective client.”
7. Oops! I spilled. If your beverage spills, apologize quickly and calmly – “Oops! Please forgive me.” – then discretely clean it up with your napkin and immediately go back to business. If the spill interferes with your dining, summon the waiter to clean it up. If the spill is on you, politely excuse yourself, clean up and return as quickly as possible so as not to interrupt the flow of the meeting. Don’t mention it again once you return to the table. You’re there to do business, not agonize over an accident.
8. Chew it over. What do you do when your boss asks you a question just as you put a forkful of food into your mouth? Nod to him to acknowledge you heard the question, then chew quickly, swallow entirely, take a sip of water and then reply promptly, says Kaye. It helps if you make every bite no larger than the size of a quarter.
9. If you don’t have something nice to say . . . If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Even if your food isn’t that great, just smile and eat it. Saying something negative to the server – or worse, sending food back – causes other people to feel uncomfortable and embarrasses the host. The same rule applies to everything about the restaurant at a business meal: the temperature, the service, the view – everything.
10. Leave the leftovers. Asking for a doggy-bag for the food you didn’t eat is a big no-no at an important business dinner. If you liked it that much, come back another time, but don’t even think about asking to take it home.
The way you behave at dinner communicates volumes about the way you behave in business. The business dinner simply puts everyone under a spotlight. Impeccable manners are a must if you want the deal, the promotion or simply a stronger business relationship with your client.